Restaurant Owner No Longer Able to Hide “C” Rating Behind Christmas Tree

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New York City Restaurant Ratings System

“C” stands for about to “Close”

Juan Rodriguez, the owner of Tick Tack Taco, a Mexican restaurant on the Upper West Side at 81st and Amsterdam, is lamenting the end of the Christmas Season because he can no longer use a decorative Christmas tree to hide his “C” rating in the front window.

“The holiday season has been great for us because we can hide the C with this nice Christmas tree and pretty lights. We’ll keep the tree up as long as possible, but after the New Year people get a little suspicious.”

Mr. Rodriquez explained that the health board penalized him for having a cat in the restaurant.

“That’s my cat, Mimi, and she catches the mice at night. What restaurant in New York City doesn’t have mice? I’ll tell you: the ones that lie to their customers. The tacos I sell are from my abuela’s recipe. She sold them in Mexico from a wooden cart on a street corner next to a graveyard. Fuck this ratings system.”

Instagram to Set Up Headquarters in Chinatown, Sell Illegal Photos

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Instagram Sets Up Headquarters in Chinatown

Instagram Sets Up Headquarters in Chinatown

Instagram has announced that it will set up its global headquarters in New York City’s Chinatown.

“We want to make sure our main offices are at the epicenter of intellectual property theft, and what better place than Chinatown,” said Instagram spokeswoman, Taylor Brentwood.

“If you’re going to steal from people and illegally sell copyrighted material, we wanted to go where there was a culture and infrastructure already set in place. I mean, Chinatown, am I right? Who wouldn’t want a framed Instagram photo of your grandmother at the lake with a fake Gucci handbag? When it comes to the black market we like to think Instagram is ahead of the curve.”

Brooklyn Vietnamese Community Balks at RAMBO 2 Neighborhood Designation

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RAMBO

Brooklyn’s newest hood: RAMBO

Google maps recently legitimized another self-invented and pretentious neighborhood acronym in Brooklyn—RAMBO, which stands for “Right Around the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.”

It’s difficult to trace the exact source behind these narcissistic neighborhood names, and everyone from shady realtors to scraggly hipsters have been implicated in a trend that New Yorkers started to question once DUMBO and FiDi were introduced into the local lexicon.

However, now it appears some New Yorkers are taking a stand. Several streets near RAMBO are home to a tight Vietnamese community and rows of restaurants, some of which offer the best pho in all of New York City. The movie RAMBO, or course, was followed by the sequel RAMBO 2, in which the protagonist played by Sylvester Stallone was tasked with rescuing POWs from Vietnam in exchange for amnesty from jail time.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Michael Phan, who grew up in the neighborhood. “Our community is above such nonsense. But considering that most Americans are educated by movies, this type of thing doesn’t surprise me. The other day I met a kid who thought DUMBO was named after the animated elephant movie.”

Kanye West to Learn the Banjo

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After a disappointing 121212 Hurricane Sandy relief concert performance, Kanye West has publically announced that he will learn to play the banjo. “What really put things into perspective,” said Kanye, “was when one of my fans said the best part of my show was Rihanna’s performance. She wasn’t even there. It was a recording.”

Though the concert was heralded as both a financial and musical success overall, Kanye’s performance simply couldn’t compete with musicians who play actual instruments.

“I thought the kilt would be enough to distract and scare the white audience into thinking I’m badass, but I forgot that a lot of our first responders have a Scottish background. They actually wear kilts all of the time. It’s hard to perform and distract people from your music when your clothes aren’t controversial enough. So I’ve decided to learn an instrument so I can play like those guys in The Rolling Stones and The Who.”

When asked why he chose the banjo, Mr. West replied, “Because that’ll shock people. Can you imagine the look on those mother fuckers faces when I take the stage and start rocking the banjo like Eric Clapton? I’m a fucking music god, so I’m going to learn an instrument that I can play on stage instead of showing off my sneakers.”

Brooklyn Christmas Tree Salesman Mistaken for Jobless Hipster

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I’m not a hipster.

Ferdinand Halloway, a 24-year-old resident of Montreal, Canada, was selling Christmas trees on Carlton Avenue in Fort Greene recently when a hipster couple began to harass him.

“They told me I was abusing irony. Honestly I have no fucking idea what that means,” Mr. Halloway explained. “The couple, dressed in flannel shirts and boots made from used car tires—Firestone—got angry when I asked them not to smoke near the Christmas trees. The trees are very flammable.”

That, apparently, is when things got weird. “They started laughing,” Mr. Halloway said. “They thought I was faking the whole working there thing and asked if I wanted to smoke a bowl. So we ducked behind the trailer and got high. Then they patted me on the back and said ‘Good one dude’ and then just walked away.”

Jay-Z Launches New Religion, Changes Name to Jay-Zesus

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Jay-Zesus

Rap mogul Jay-Z launched a new religion this week called Jay-Zionism, declaring himself as the movement’s spiritual leader, christening himself as Jay-Zesus. After having reached the cultural stratosphere as a rap legend, married a megastar, started a family, and bought the Brooklyn Nets, Jay-Zesus explained, “This was the logical next step. I mean, seriously, what else is left?”

Jay-Zesus described Jay-Zionism as being a religion that is “exactly like Rastafarianism, but Brooklyn style. You know what I’m saying? Rastafarianism has Bob Marley. Jay-Zionism has me, Jay-Zesus.” Though the new religion doesn’t have any formal beliefs or traditions, Jay-Zionism’s spiritual homeland is the Barclay’s Center, where people gather on a regular basis for a variety of Jay-Zesus-inspired events.