how long until spring?
Queens Man Drinks in Upper East Side to Avoid Wife
Survey: 1 in 3 New Yorkers a Food Blogger
Unemployed Bronx Woman Describes H&M Shopping Adventure
on your knees
Red Hook, Brooklyn, New York City
By By Matthew L. Harrison
Silvio Natalie, a 59-year-old seafood delivery man from Red Hook, Brooklyn, only recently learned that Ikea was a furniture store and not one of those “big complexes that religious cults build, like the 700 Club or that Jim Jones guy.”
When asked why he thought the Ikea in Red Hook was a religious complex, Natalia explained, “Well, all the people you see who go there kind of have that lost expression on their face. You know what I mean? Like they’re at a point in life where they just don’t know what to do, are out of answers, are overwhelmed, and are therefore susceptible to being manipulated. They even have a bus service that drives them in and out, like the people are in some sort of trance and just being transported from one place to another at the will of Ikea.”
Perhaps adding fuel to the perception that the Ikea in Red Hook is a religious complex, is the fact that the hulking structure hasn’t made an effort at community relations, and recently built a wall around the company’s properties to keep out, as Helig Fisel, Ikea’s spokesman explained, “People who don’t believe in what we’re doing for the human race. The naysayers and the media and those who want to bring us down because they lack faith in our mission.”
“I don’t care what they say,” added Natalia, “all I know is that place looks scary, like a place where people lose their minds. Especially the guys.”
Chinatown, New York City
By Suong Kuomong
Great Nicely Taste, a Taiwanese restaurant located on Pell Street, has submitted a formal request to City Hall requesting financial and police support for its decision to break from Chinatown.
“You see,” said Amy Chen, the daughter of the restaurant’s owner, “Ever since soup dumplings became the latest craze in Chinese food, every idiot New Yorker and tourist comes in here asking about our soup dumplings. We don’t serve soup dumplings. We serve Taiwanese food. We specialize in Chiayi, turkey rice bowls and Hsinchu, or pork balls. We don’t do soup dumplings, and we refuse to do so. We won’t be pressured into serving dumplings to attract more customers to this area of Chinatown.”
The local Chinatown government, however, has come down hard on Great Nicely Taste, and made several questionable but intimidating moves to force Great Nicely Taste to conform to the area’s vision. “They’ve done a number of saber-rattling moves,” said Chen. “Last weekend we heard what sounded like gunshots being fired around our restaurant, scaring away customers and forcing the police to come and make a statement. It turns out the shots were actually just firecrackers.”
City Hall offered this official statement regarding the situation, “We understand that the tense situation between Great Nicely Taste and Chinatown is a sensitive one involving a myriad of historical and cultural issues, but we remain steadfast in protecting Great Nicely Taste’s right to sovereignty and decision not to serve soup dumplings.”
because alcoholics don't wear brooks brothers
Union Square, New York City
Kendra Bass
There was a heated exchange of words, fists, elbows, and even a corkscrew at the Trader Joe’s Wine Shop on 14th Street this morning as alcoholics in Manhattan succumbed to failed New Year’s resolutions to quit drinking.
The melee was comprised of upper class alcoholics who think that drinking copious amounts of wine makes them better than poorer and less human people who drink 40s of malt liquor—“real alcoholics” as one patron, hedge fund trader Samuel Atkins, was quoted as saying. When asked by Hnyc what the difference was between people who drink cheap beer and people who drink cheap wine was, Atkins, whose left eye was bruised and closed, explained, “People who drink wine can afford it, for one thing. And everyone knows wine is more sophisticated.”
Atkins who had 16 bottles of $9 – $4 Trader Joe’s wine in his cart continued. “You see, I’m having a dinner a party, and I start with a nice $450 of 1992 Ducru-Beaucaillou that we set on the table to impress people, and when that runs out the staff brings in glasses of this stuff. It’s just a way to save money. Nobody knows the difference.”
Hync asked Atkins how many people he was expecting at his dinner party. “Well,” he said, “It’s going to be me, my wife, and my boss who owns the hedge fund. But he does a ton of coke, so he’s going to drink at least five of these.”
Charlotte Ginsberg, an estate advisor for Bank of America, who accidentally stabbed a Trader Joe’s employee when he tried to intervene in the brawl, said, “Serves him right. That last bottle of Espiral Vino Verde was mine, until some bitch from Goldman Sachs pulled my hair and yanked it away.”
No one was arrested. But everyone involved in the fight received a letter of apology from Trader Joe’s.
spring in the winter!
Hipster Sues Christmas Tree Salesman over Flannel Shirt Look
Extreme Locavore Brooklyn Chef Cooks Own Hair, Toenails
Brooklyn Pizzeria Owner Freaking Hates Domino’s Pizza Self-Loathing
Ancestry.com Sends Adopted Bronx Woman to Her Own Facebook Page
Buskers Go Viral with Song No One Understands on Subway that Never Stops
Manhattan, New York City
Kendra Bass
the old gray liar
A recent survey by MediaWatchers has determined that the most lies inflicted upon the American public do not originate from Hollywood, Fox News, CNN, or the Catholic Church, but rather The New York Times. The survey concludes, “Eighty-Seven percent of all lies perpetrated about terrible movies, books, and all forms of music including Broadway plays begins with the sentence, ‘The New York Times raves that ___________ is the most ‘riveting’ ‘exciting’ ‘terrifying’ profound’ ‘electrifying’ or ‘endearing’ ___________ in ages.’”
Timmy Moss, an intern at The New York Times who is responsible for filling in these blanks and publishing the blurbs under a pseudonym, told Hnyc in a phone interview, “Um, well, I just do what I’m told. I have a B.A. in journalism from Boston University, and I’d be stupid not to take a job at The New York Times.”
After only two years on the job, Moss claims to have published more than 472 reviews, each following the same script. “Sometimes I go off script if I’m feeling creative and my boss is on another vacation or at another convention about how to make money from online content,” he explained. “I really like to use the work ‘compelling’ because no one really knows what it means anymore. Or sometimes I’ll use ‘dynamic’ for the same reason. I find using useless words is better than using flashy ones because they tend to dupe more people.”
When asked by Hnyc to use his script on our website, Timmy had no problem in whipping off, “The New York Times raves that HilariousNYC is the most electrifying website in ages.” Thanks Timmy. We agree.
Manhattan, New York City
By Matthew L. Harrison
so this is what the outside looks like
As the year 2012 emerges we’re already witnessing the demise of some long-established trends and the rise of some surprising ones. Yes, Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell are out; Tigger and fringers are in. So say goodbye to those Chihuahuas poking their squirrelly felt heads out of gaudy Gucci bags and say hello to sleek cats being paraded around Tompkins Square in Velcro vests.
This development, of course, exemplifies are larger cultural shift occurring in New York City: socialites are losing their cool factor, while steampunk morticians are gaining in popularity. Said 26-year-old socialite Rebecca “Rebeckah” Sydney Hamilton of the Upper East Side, “Ever since the recession people haven’t been as jealous of people like me for having teacups dogs. Some even seem like they don’t even admire us. And, like, when socialites can no longer make other people feel small and make them jealous, then we lose our power. It’s almost as bad as losing your dad’s money or your looks.”
On the flipside, Robert “Handyman” Hampton, a 39-year-old resident of the Lower East Side who works as a political puppeteer, explains, “I started taking Marmalade out for walks in early 2010 after I realized she didn’t mind the leash at all. In fact, she acts a lot like a well-disciplined dog except she likes to chase the occasional bug. People seem to think it’s cool, which is okay with me. And the best thing about walking cats is that they bury their own shit. No plastic bags necessary. Take that dog people.”
Underground Somewhere, New York City
By Suong Kuomong
This week buskers on a New York City subway that apparently never stops were stars of the first viral video of 2012. This song which no one understands, is sung by the talented Jessica Latshaw and an unknown assortment of Gotham characters who allegedly don’t know each other. Either way, this ragtag group of individuals has done the impossible: make subway commuters smile–in the winter, no less.
clack... clack...
Accessory Dogs Being Replaced by Cats on Leashes
Survey: Most Ubiquitous Media Lie Begins with “The New York Times raves that…”
Buskers Go Viral with Song No One Understands on Subway that Never Stops
East Village, New York City
Kendra Bass
then you should have said you wanted another round
Kenneth Sampson, a 43-year-old bearded and grisly waiter at McSorely’s Old Ale House, admitted to an upset tourist this week that his entire angry look countenance was all just an act. “Ever since we had to clean the dust off of our memorabilia and stick poor Minnie the cat in back room since that bitch sued us, my angry look is all I have left of the famous McSorely’s gruff atmosphere.”
But when Raymond Munson, of St. Louis, Missouri, complained to Kenneth Sampson that he was being rude to his new, recently divorced girlfriend—who was clearly very upset according to nearby customers—Sampson pulled the tourist into a corner and explained, “Listen man, if I don’t slap down glasses of beer so they spill on your lap, or if I don’t ignore your repeated request for another round of darks, then this entire place loses its profitable mystique.”
Munson, quickly assessing the situation, gave Sampson and clap on the shoulder and the wink of an eye and returned to his table to console his girlfriend, who was overheard saying, “I’ve never been treated like this in all of my life.” The couple was soon seen leaving the bar, but not after Munson handed Sampson and a wad of cash for an undisclosed amount of money.