T & J Bringing the Funny

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Zuckerberg made $20 BILLION today. What did you do? We thought you could use a laugh.

Need a good laugh? Check out…

T & J’s “Brother from Another Mother”
Let’s face it: Stand-up comics are a raunchy bunch. We’re loud, vulgar, politically incorrect, and loose-lipped in the profanity department.

…UNTIL NOW!

What if we told you there was a comedy show in NYC you could bring your mom to? A show that focused less on human mating habits and more on how awesome the women who reared us are? A not-too-late-at-night show that was totally PG…ish?

THIS is that show.

So come help these talented comics celebrate the women in their lives with as little cursing as possible!

Where: Rebel NYC (near 30th St. and 8th Ave.)
When: 6:30pm (doors open at 6pm)
Cover: $10 at the door, performers’ moms get in FREE!

***For reservations (STRONGLY recommended), e-mail tjfinkcomedy@gmail.com***

Todd Delgado, Personal Branding “Guru” Hated by Everyone

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"What credentials does one need to be a guru anyway?" - Todd's Mom

Union Square, Manhattan, NYC
By Amanda Crafton

“Todd Delgado?” says Sally Kingston, a graphic designer at Deale&Crumb, a branding firm on 16th and Fifth Avenue, “Yeah, he’s a total fucking douchebag.”

Todd Delgado, a self-styled personal branding “guru” at Deale&Crumb, has managed to piss off every one of his friends, family members, and colleagues at D&C. The 33-year-old from Flemington, New Jersey, never graduated from college though he claims to be an alumnus of Notre Dame. “Hey, if you took class at a school, you’re an alumni,” explained Delgado. “That makes me an alumni of Notre Dame.” Delgado took an online screenwriting class at Notre Dame in 2008.

“What they don’t tell you about the branding industry is that anyone can claim to be an expert in branding,” says Franklin Deale, co-CEO of D&C. “Seriously, have you ever met anyone good at math or science—smart people in other words—who are in branding? It’s all bullshit, but Todd is calling himself a personal branding ‘guru’ and everyone equates that word with a charlatan. He’s bringing us all down. Honestly, he’s just an asshole.”

“He’s a total fucking asshole,” says Andy White, a copywriter at D&C. “He steals people’s food out of the office fridge and denies it. Then he tells clients how to build their own brand by creating a consistent and sincere voice and image. His brand should be an asshole holding a stolen leftover egg salad sandwich.”

“He’s always been a fucking asshole,” says Mrs. Delgado, Todd’s mom. “He once stole my jewelry and sold it to a pawn shop so he could buy fireworks to blow up my birdhouses in the backyard. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. This common sense crap he sells as personal branding advice is total bullshit. Who needs to be told not to be an asshole to other people? Actually, my son, Todd does.”

Museum of Sex Opens Informative Marriage Masturbation Exhibit for Gay Couples

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visitors are allowed 10 minutes of private time in the masturbation facilities

Manhattan, New York City
By Kendra Bass

New York City’s Museum of Sex will open an exhibit exclusively dedicated to teaching gay couples the realities of sex and married life. The exhibit titled “We’re Bonded Forever, Now What?” features several “masturbation environments” such as a shower, the corner of a bed at 4am and an office bathroom stall where sexually frustrated husbands and wives can satiate their carnal desires. A variety of lotions will be available, though Nivea is sponsoring the shower environment. “This was sort of a curve ball” said museum curator Willis McCoy. “Frankly, gay couples have no idea what they are in store for. Though we are all of course elated with the swing in popular opinion and the President’s endorsement, I think it’s fair to say that culturally, gay couples just aren’t prepared for the sexual realities of married life. But here at the Museum of Sex we’re all excited about the opportunity to use our wonderful facility for the public good.” So far the exhibit has been an unprecedented success with both straight and gay people.

MTA Broadens Definition of “Train Traffic Ahead of Us” to Include Suicide

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ladies and gentlemen there is...


Underground, New York City
By Suong Kuomong

This week the MTA announced that it will use “Train Traffic Ahead of Us” as a general phrase to include people jumping in front of a train. “It’s really quite simple” said Maurice Delgado, an MTA public relations specialist. “We’re dealing with a sensitive matter here, and instead of giving riders all of the gory details we’re going to go with this explanation. It took riders years to catch on, but they finally figured out our ‘sick passenger’ story.” Though there are no official numbers, it is estimated the struggling economy and rising rents have caused a spike in the number of New Yorkers who have been victims of train traffic ahead of us.

Honest Real Estate Broker Found Dead in Apt. No Longer Available

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“He just didn’t get it.” – anonymous broker

Hells Kitchen, Manhattan, NYC
By Amanda Crafton

Patrick Cunningham, the only honest real estate broker in New York City, was found dead yesterday in a $1625/month one-bedroom apartment no longer available in Hell’s Kitchen. Cunningham, a 31-year-old native of Wisconsin, came to New York City to be an actor but turned to real estate to pay the bills. “He just had no idea how this racket worked,” explained a broker who asked to remain anonymous. “You can’t be honest with clients. Of course this is a shell game. None of our listings actually exist. But this dude was honest with his clients and refused to bait them in with deals that didn’t exist. I’m not surprised how this turned out at all.”

Racist Cabbies Inspire New Color of Taxi

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color coding

Everywhere But Manhattan, NYC
By Mattew L. Harrison

In an effort to combat yellow taxi cab drivers who “stereotype” customers before they pick them up, the City has decided to launch a new fleet of apple green “Boro Taxis” for New Yorkers who live outside of Manhattan aren’t ridiculously wealthy. Sergey Kasilov, the Director of Operations, explained “Since yellow taxi cab drivers often discriminate against customers based on their appearance and where they live—often refusing to take customers to boroughs outside of Manhattan—we’ve decided that instead of trying to implement policies to change their behavior we’d simply create an entirely new taxicab service.” The new apple green taxis are easily distinguished from yellow taxis because they accept credit cards.

NRA to Open New Office in the Bronx

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gun control

The Bronx, New York City
By Kendra Bass

The NRA, in a relenteless campaign to bring guns to New York City, will be opening an office in the Bronx.

Harrison McKulsky, head of public relations for the NRA, explained, “We feel that the Bronx is the perfect place to campaign for gun rights. Considering the resident population’s struggles with crime, poverty and tough living conditions, we feel guns would be enthusiastically welcomed here, by both criminals and those who will feel the need to defend themselves against those criminals.” McKulsky went on to describe the situation as a “win-win” for NRA and gun industry. “And all of New York. And all of America,” he added.

Some Bronx residents, however, expressed extreme trepidation and even outrage over the NRA’s desire to promote the gun industry’s agenda in their neighborhood. Reverend Thomas Hayword, a preacher at Second Hill Baptist Church said, “I think it’s an abomination that the NRA would come in here and exploit our people just to advance their agenda and line their pockets all at the expense of our children’s blood.”

When this reporter read Reverend Hayword’s quote to Mr. McKulsky, the NRA spokesman said, “We at the NRA are not sure why some Bronx residents are so upset over this. They’re response is quite unexpected and rather troubling. In fact, I feel threatened by their actions. We should all feel threatened by these liberals and their anti-American agenda. To learn more about defending yourselves against them, come visit us at our new Bronx location. The first twenty who show get free glocks.”